John Bruno is known as "The Professor" on Market Warriors.
If by that they mean that he's got tenure and they can't kick him off the program, although they'd like to, then it makes sense.
If they call him it on account of his encyclopaedic knowledge of the arts antiquarian then I'll boldly say it: the epithet is an inapt misnomer.
This venerable codger has fudged many an episode by now, throwing good money after bad. It's like he's so sick of casting pearls before swine, cannily paying high for tasteful products at one state fair only to have therm bought for next to nothing by uncomprehending heathens in another state, that he has elected to deliberately buy inferior dross so that he won't get disenchanted any further.
After all, men of fragile sensitivity can only stand so much crass vulgarity in the face of their refined tastes before they crack and become cynical and thwarted and warped and bitter. Who can blame JOHN for going "off the reservation"? He has been flabbergasted into real madness.
Mark Walberg (the Antiques Roadshow presenter, not the film actor who interestingly insisted that he could have single-handedly fought off the Al-Qaeda terrorists who caused the 9-11 attacks if only he had "been on that plane") seems to blame him. He loves to make fun of John Bruno. He takes a certain vicious sneering delight in it.
Now John Bruno has taken to riding around in an invalid buggy. When did he start this strange habit? Is this how he managed to avoid being culled by the PBS politicos? "You can't kick me off the show," he trilled, all defiance. "I'm too diverse. I have an invalid buggy."
John is close to botching this loophole though. There have been scenes captured on camera when he is standing up in his buggy peering around. It's like he's using the buggy as a way to get better elevation rather than as a mode of perambulation. Other times, he is clearly visible wheeling the buggy along like it was a scooter, pushing it along with one leg. Impatient with its pedestrian pace.
It's like when people claim for compensation because they were "hurt" and rendered unable to work because of their injuries and he firm being sued hires a private dick to photograph the person acting all able-bodied. Almost invariably at a gas pump. Except John Bruno is going around acting able-bodied on national TV.
In one episode John Bruno was bargaining with a seller. This is his real forte, actually. He might preface the barter with the words, "Shall we begin to dance?" He has a really beautiful way of being shockingly cheap.
Well, this seller wasn't budging beyond a certain point, and none of the BRUNO CHARM would change it. John was trying to make a virtue of the fact that although he would pay a derisive low price, it would be in "cash". "That's cash you can take straight home."
His nemesis responded coolly, "Cash doesn't matter to me."
"I hear ya," John says, turning off the charm and losing interest fast.
The guy deadpanned, "I'll take a company check..."
"Right," John said, totally uninterested now.
The best part of this exchange was the seller's expression as he said it. Wily, canny, equal to BRUNO'S TRICKS. I took a photo of it from the TV using my wife's phone, to publish it here for you to see.
Unfortunately, her phone crashed at the airport and all her photos were lost. I don't mind about all those pictures of family and friends lost forever, but she also lost my picture of the flea market guy bargaining with John Bruno and that's a real shame.
Another occasion. John Bruno said, "We got punked."
Miller Gaffney retorted, "We didn't get punked."
That's all the notes I have here.
[Looking over the piece of paper with the original joke on it. Checking there isn't anything written on the other side.]
Without context that line doesn't have much... resonance...
And that is the end of this rash of Market Warriors notes.
"Come back real soon y'hear."
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